You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
