my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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