You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
