I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
