i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
