I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
