Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
