Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize