im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just want to make out with him forever
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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