What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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