My first STD was from a foam party
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
