Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
