she looked like the before picture.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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