well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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