McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
