She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
