Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
