my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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