We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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