Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
