Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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