did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
