she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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