I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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