God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
