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DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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