So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
