He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
