she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
