I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
