he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
