Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
literally had 100 drinks last night.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
