I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
