I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
