oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
