On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
