I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
