Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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