So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize