Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize