I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We need to get me chipped asap
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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