based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
