Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
