who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
