I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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