There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
