Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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