i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
