Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
