my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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