Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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