If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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