I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
