are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
