Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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