Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
