just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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