it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
